So, back in my youth, I once met a guy online who was "in the closet" about liking fat people. It was fun to be his super exciting person to be out to. We hooked up once, and I enjoyed it. It helped me explore the idea that I could be a sexual person, and it's very rare that I get to experience someone being excited about me that way.

Lately, though, since I took the gender off my FetLife profile, and added the FaceApp photos, a bunch of men seem to have discovered me who have that same kind of "I'm in the closet and you're exciting because you represent the forbidden fruit" thing. And, I'm less interested in it than I was at 20.

But there's one guy in particular who has decided he's VERY interested in hairy, manly fat men who "are in touch with their feminine side", which might include occasional cross-dressing. And I can tell he thinks his messages are supportive, but they're super invalidating and disheartening because he's so focused on painting me with that brush.


We're putting the Cloud back in Cloudpunk, now live on The Stream Fantastico!

One of my nesting partners has decided that they don't "buy" me being trans. They said Mmmmmmmmmaybe genderfluid maybe, or just a guy who likes pretty things, but definitely not trans. They went on to say that if I did decide that I was, like, I can decide what I want, but they'd feel the same way only they probably wouldn't say so.

I talked to my therapist about it, and my therapist as homework asked me to find out what's behind that response, and to have a conversation unpacking the feelings behind it. I made an overture toward having that conversation today and in tone it seemed like it was going to be a productive conversation, but then they just said that it "doesn't add up" to them, for "lots of reasons", but that they can't articulate any of them and probably won't be able to in the future.

I'm not at all sure what to do about that. And it makes me wonder who else might be feeling the same way.

Which in turn is making my brain not a good place to be tonight.

Something different today -- first play of Unavowed! Live on The Stream Fantastico!

Therapy today went well. I had some serious panic welling up before the appointment, and during the beginning where we were just talking about work and stuff, but I said, "I am trans," out loud and nothing bad happened and no lightning bolts came out of the sky to strike me down. As soon as I said it, things started to feel better. I have action items and things to think about, but I feel like this is an important step. I need to go have a post-adrenaline nap, though, or maybe just read for a bit. I'm drained.

Let's Punk some Clouds, in Cloudpunk! Live now on The Stream Fantastico!

Help me design a garden for this tiny house, in House Flipper! Live now on The Stream Fantastico!

Join us live now in the clouds for Cloudpunk on The Stream Fantastico!

[cw: cartoon eye contact] 

This picrew: ( ), made by @badews on Twitter, was fun to play with. :)

Please boost if it’s okay to befriend you, ask questions, ask for advice, rant, vent, let something off your chest, or just have a nice chat.

A quick question ... not scientific, I know it will be full of selection bias, etc., but I'd be interested in people's answers here. If you can take 30 seconds or so I'd be grateful.


I'd also be grateful if people could boost this to get outside my bubble.


Stream will be a little late today -- went on wild Arby's road trip. :)

Well, another investment in me: I bought a year of Melodics ( ). It's kind of like DuoLingo for learning piano*. It's free for 5 minutes per day, but I want to set a goal of 30 minutes per day, so I got the paid edition and did my 30 minutes today. Let's hope I keep it up!

(* It's not really intended to teach piano in the traditional sense, but to teach producers how to play their chosen instruments in their chosen styles better. I'm using an M-Audio Axiom 25 and I set it for EDM Keys, so I won't be learning Chopin, etc.)

I just had the HRT conversation with my doctor. I didn't chicken out. I was... very very very awkward and stumbled over terms and the doctor needed to ask a lot of clarifying questions. My body dumped a lot of adrenaline. But it ultimately went well!

They are going to refer me to a specialist, so I should hear from that person at some point. I have the usual fears when getting specialist referrals, especially as a fat person. It's gone so badly so often. But... the ball is rolling and I'm hopeful.

I think I need to breathe and crash a little! Eeeeep.

Join us for the continuation of our silly shenanigans in Jolly Good: Cakes & Ale! on The Stream Fantastico!

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